Updated: Nov 17, 2019
How do I put into words something I don't even understand?
How I accept something I don't want to?
How do I move on from here?
What does life look like without you?
What could I have done differently?
These are all things that constantly ran through my mind after I lost you. My year was a fucking mess without you. You were not a apart of my daily life before you left and now you are. You are in every fucking thing. You are in the my thoughts when I am happy, you are in my thoughts when I fall asleep at night, you are even in my dreams.
It has now been a year since you left this life. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts since then. I still can't believe you are not here but I have finally accepted my new reality and the biggest hurdle of all, I have accepted that there is nothing left to do and for me that was the hardest pill to swallow.
Back at Christmas time I had the choice to stay in California or go to New Mexico to spend it with family. I was determined to never go back ever again. New Mexico holds too much pain, it is a huge source of pain and trauma for me and to never go back would be one of the greatest gifts ever. But I knew I had to face my trauma head on. I knew I had to make peace with this place, so I went.
One night while driving home, during Christmas time, I was about to pass your rehab hospital. A place I spent so much time at, going through physical therapy sessions with you, talking with you, arguing with you, sitting with you, going to appointments with you. Damn, I run into the scent of that place often and its haunting but also calming. It was late but I felt this urge to get off at the exit and go there, so I did. I pulled into the parking lot and I sat there, Hil sat with me, we sat in silence as I cried. I ran through all the memories, every single painful one I could remember. From the accident to the moment you took your last breath and I finally made peace with the fact that this is how your story ended, this is how it is now and nothing I can do or say will ever change it. I accepted that this was never a life you wanted. I accepted that you were placed in an incredibly difficult situation and you did the best you could. I accepted that I couldn't save you and as much as that hurts, it's true.
You are no longer here. You have moved on and though I will never "move on" from you, it was time to let go, let go of everything that was holding me in this place of regret, pain and anger.
I was the one holding onto this pain, partially because it made me feel like you were still here. It made me feel close to you, but I can't live my life in a place of pain if I want to continue living. I've been in similar places and the thing about pain is it is useful but only for a short amount of time because the longer you hold on to it, the heavier it grows. It is important to feel what you need to, it is important to feel all of it, but there comes a time that you must let go of it otherwise you remain stagnate, never fully enjoying life, never fully growing from your hurt or loss, never actually healing. When you hold onto pain, it becomes something that needs to be numbed because otherwise it is too much to take, too much to carry.
You have to make peace with your pain and loss in whatever way you can. An apology may never come, you have to make peace regardless. An answer or reason may never be given, you have to make peace regardless. Justice or forgiveness may never be given, you have to make peace regardless.
When all is said and done, you have to carry on.
If my sister and mom taught me anything it is that life is nowhere close to fair, shit happens to you, sometimes terrible shit that is just completely unfair but if you don't deal with it, feel it and heal it yourself, no one will do it for you and you will end up ruining every good thing that comes after. It will eat at you and eat at every good thing in your life. My family story is filled with trauma after trauma after trauma and with every one of those stories also comes a story of addiction.
You have to work on letting go otherwise whatever you refuse to let go of will consume you.
This year, I managed to make a lot of strange and crazy decisions. I managed to survive though. I managed to heal. I am still healing but this year, I took my time and felt all of it, I took my time and sought help, I took my time and did what I had to, but most of all I retaught myself the art of letting go.
Control is an illusion, I let go of that illusion, and I am so much happier because of it.
Rob, I'll never let you go, but I've let go of my control of what happened to you because I really never had any over the situation anyways. I really hope there is a heaven and you are being treated like a queen up there. I love you sis, I'll see you in another life.